Grief

What a day.

I had a late night last night and it felt so funny. I used to go out to eat at midnight all the time 5 years ago, but marriage and babies sort of stops that. Anyway, I woke up with just few hours of sleep and got going on my day. It seemed to be going well and then hit a detour. This week is such a crazy mess. It will be fun though, and happy.

Rambling...oh the drama of the day. I guess without any embellishment it would be simple enough to say that today the neighbor took his life and it's hit me in a most strange and saddening way. I was always scared of him. I remember the first day he moved in and at his little house warming party that he had in his driveway he shouted at another neighbor that if he was Mormon than he should get off his property. Pretty scary to like a ten year old. Even with that though he was the kindest neighbor. His wife was so thoughtful and offered me a job my senior year. I have a bottle of hair product right now on my bathroom sink that she gave me and it's lasted forever. I used it last week too. Anyway, more rambling. I may be a terrible neighbor and not know them very well, fear seriously over took me, but it's a been a hard night. I can't get him or his wife out of my mind. I watched his wife for hours today grieve that she was too late. That she couldn't do anything. That she'd lost her husband. Hours. It broke my heart. Then my thoughts turned to Kevin and why and how. I'd never seen it coming. I could ramble on more, but I just don't know what to say.

The reason I posted on this blog was because it's too personal for the other. It's news I don't care to share, and it's connected to a thought. I laid in my bed tonight trying to finish up my book, but in a strange way was too consumed by the grief and sorrow for this day and the loss. Just before everything went down I had been lamenting the day and wishing I could start it over again. After all that's happened I thought maybe he'd wish the same too, but we don't get that chance do we.

Oh, back to the point of the spiritual side. It took me to the common train of thought I have. It's pretty lame, but I think it here and there. I sometimes wonder when given a choice between this plan and Lucifer's why I picked this one? Maybe it's dumb, but a life with no mistakes seems pretty good. Would it be a life without sorrow too? Would events like today not happen because there would be no need? I'm to uninformed to give any answers now. I should study it out more.

For now, I find comfort and the answer I need in The Proclamation to the Family. We studied it a few Sundays ago and I found this line:

In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life.

I bolded what stuck out to me. It was the reminder I needed. It's good to look over, and if you want to it's HERE.

The humor I find in this reminder is that it was followed up a two weeks ago with a nice reminder that not only did I say yes to this life, but I knew all the callings I had coming for me and I said okay that I could do them. :) Makes me laugh.

I may not have all the answers, but as I hit my knees with a heavy heart and grief in my soul I was reminded that this gospel is so beautiful because of the hope it offers. I've hit many a low in my short/long blip on this earth, but I always find a way to pick myself up and keep going. Or maybe it's not me doing the pick myself up. THERE IS HOPE.

EDIT: I really am going to look for my answer, and in my search tonight I found a fantastic scripture that kind of goes with my last thought on hard knocks or falling. It's the last two versus in Jude and they say this:

24 Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present you ^afaultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy,

25 To the only wise God our Saviour, be glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen.