Testimony

I am always nervous to bear my testimony, but super eager. Today I passed on the opportunity, even though there were large gaps of silence. I once heard someone say that they thought the silence during testimony was beautiful and peaceful. I may feel that way some day, but because I have had my fair share of tiny children that I needed to keep quiet during those bits of silence, while being borderline "hangry," I haven't learned to appreciate the silence much. I also think that silence between friends means you are angry. It's just not part of my personality.
Anyway, I passed up the opportunity today hoping that others would choose to share. But had I gotten up this is what I would have shared.
I know two songs by heart on the piano. One...is obvious....Chopsticks. The second is the simplified version of "We Thank Thee, Oh God, For a Prophet." I only know the top hand. We inherited a piano recently and I have enjoyed sitting down and tapping out "We Thank Thee, Oh God, For a Prophet" when I don't have time to pull out the simplified hymn book, and as a result I walk around with the words stuck in my head for the day. Recently one phrase from that song has been on repeat. "While those who reject this glad message shall never such happiness know."
I thought of that phrase after my sister had mentioned listening to her boss blast our faith. I thought of this phrase as I passed my neighbor riding her bike home. I looked at her with admiration of how strong she was even with such a great trial as losing a child. How do you pick up the pieces after that? And today as the YWs president in our ward bore her testimony and shared of her joy in the hardships of life and the gospel and why she couldn't "just take a break" from church.
"While they who reject this glad message shall never such happiness know."
I was also struck a lot by peoples testimonies of the prophet. We're in a sad state where we watch mortality take it's toll on his life. He is such a joyous man who has served SO much. I get overwhelmed with the thought of holding callings that require a lot of responsibilities. And how blessed we are to have the guidance of a prophet. It's a good life.
Many people also said farewell to two very impactful people in our ward. The Jepperson's. They have taught me so much and also shown that same, "shall never such happiness know." They are close to my heart because we both have sons with Down Syndrome. The Jepperson's have also taught me some very important lessons in life. The first was from a marriage presentation that they gave for an enrichment night. It was beautiful and showed me how amazing and happy marriage can be, even with bumpy spots. They shared that their marriage had always been blessed that when one person was in a weak spot in life the opposite would be stronger and able to help raise the other. It's hard to imagine that either could ever be in a low spot, but I was grateful for that knowledge. I loved hearing that even with how many years that they have been married that they still work on imperfections in their marriage, like saying "sorry." Nancy and I share that characteristic in marriage. It's not my strong point, but I am trying. Another lesson they taught I can't remember the subject, and I don't think I got to stay for the whole thing. The first was this super cute and romantic moment when Brother Jepperson encouraged us all to go listen to John Legend's "All of Me." I can't remember who was sitting next to me, but they were so shock at his music knowledge compared to his age. It was glorious. The second was even better. Vocabulary is not my strong point. I know the words I know, and unless I hear a word and it's meaning repeatedly, I can't really expand my vocabulary. Or it has to be really profound. Also, if you know me I can sort of suck at getting words right. Just ask my 8th grade English teacher.And one word that I have been getting wrong is the word consecrate. President Jepperson shared 2 Nephi 2:22.
Nevertheless, Jacob, my firstborn in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine ^aafflictions for thy gain.
For all my years, and the many times I heard this scripture I had always interpreted this word to be "compensate." And for real, I thought that was what was being said. I thought that Heavenly Father would make up for the trials we have endured. One for example that I really thought of all the time in relation to this scripture was the trial of not having Neil's mom with us. When my heart would be heavy with that thought, sad for Neil, sad for me, and heartbroken for my children, I thought all will be well, Heavenly Father will make this up to you. WRONG! That is not what is being said, and it makes trying to comprehend how Heavenly Father could make up such a loss so much easier, because how can he make that up to us? Brother Jepperson was sharing his testimony of this scripture while talking to us about the loss of his son Josh. Which hurts my heart so, because that is their son with DS. The thought just crushes me. But President Jepperson testified to us that Heavenly Father will make those experiences holy to us. Consecrate=to make holy. I knew that, I just didn't connect it until that Sunday school class. I will miss their presence in our ward, and hope St. George can appreciate what they are getting.
Simple Sunday thoughts right there. I am grateful for this Gospel and the peace and joy it brings in to my life. The happiness too.
AMEN.

I made this really quick to share a thought that has been running through my head today. I think there is something different about people that have this light in their eyes, and I hope I do. 

James E. Faust Talk

It Is That Important

I need to be better about putting spiritual thoughts down. I have so many, and they bring me a lot of joy and I love to share that joy.
Tonight my mind is going a million different directions trying to get ready for a short week of school, which means a long week for me, including hosting two Thanksgivings, and carpet installers and the cable guy coming over.
I can do this.
So what inspiring thought shall I leave for the day.
I think I will share the testimony that I shared in October that I meant to write here, but wanted to share at church first.
I don't know if it is apparent from this blog that I struggle to believe sometimes. And I may be wording that wrong. How about this. I have to fight for my testimony. I think sometimes I am too quick to be the devil's advocate when I am talking religion, most especially with my husband Neil.
Back in September he had been listing to Joseph Smith the Prophet by Truman G. Madsen. (It's on my list of things to do, I should really get on that). Neil was saying how amazing it is to him all the things that happened and how strange it is to him that people don't believe that Joseph Smith is a prophet given all these miraculous events. This is where that whole devil's advocate thing steps in and I said, "Well let me tell you why...."
Terrible, I tell you. In fact, I spent the whole night kind of loathing myself and asking why I had to be like that. Why am I sowing those seeds.
The next morning I was over it, and doing my own thing when my doorbell rang and my friend Blanca was there with a new companion, coming to bring me The WatchTower. Blanca is really sweet and stops by from time to time to drop me off reading material and talk religion. This particular magazine was on the Kingdom of God, and we flipped to the back cover and went through all of the scriptures that we were listed.
Now normally because we both believe The Bible, our views on things are very similar, and we can have a agreeable conversation. This time however, things got a little rocky because of our disagreeing views on what the kingdom of God is, and when it will come. Many of the scriptures we talked about used the word government in her version of The Bible. Which was okay with me. It talked about a strong powerful government that would never be destroyed. (Daniel 2:44). After we got through all the scriptures and talked about what this government would be, I was trying not to jump up and down with joy. I said, "Do you know much about how our church is structured?" That probably sounds like a foolish question, but I was so excited. I told Blanca and her companion about our prophet and how he is guided by Jesus Christ and how we have apostles, just as when the kingdom of God was formerly established when Christ was here and he set things up. I was just too excited.
I told Blanca that we didn't see eye to eye on this subject, and that I would like to share a scripture with her. She obliged, but told me it needed to be from The Bible. That was too late though, because I was using the scriptures on my phone and pulled up The Introduction to the Book of Mormon before she could even finish that thought. She wasn't terrible happy with me, but followed along as I scrolled to the bottom, and was even excited to see that I had all these highlights in my scriptures. It was super cute, and I even showed them both how to highlight scriptures in their electronic devices. They were really excited.
I shared the last two paragraphs of the introduction with them, which looks like this in my LDS Scriptures app. I offered them a Book of Mormon, which they both said they had, and kindly declined. We talked a little more and then they left.

I bounced inside with this joy and excitement and was so happy. I had the opposite feeling from the night before and kept thinking how good the gospel is.
It also got me pondering and thinking how important it is to share your testimony. IT IS SO IMPORTANT! I kept saying, that is how Satan wins. He gets us to start doubting and stop saying what we do know. Testimonies are powerful, and as I shared with our congregation that day, it is inspired that we have been given the opportunity once a month to have a meeting focused only on testimonies. IT IS THAT IMPORTANT!
I know it's true, and hopefully with that recent feeling of sharing and how important it is, I will be better at blogging.
Good night.

Seeing versus Feeling.

This feels like a safe space to me.
I found myself bopping around Facebook and feeling frustrated and angry. It doesn't take more than a few clicks to find a smattering of hate towards the church. I think what bothers me most is when it comes from friends that shared that common belief with me and now hold such anger towards it.
I struggle to hold my tongue and not lash back.
It feels like one of those impossible arguments though. Like two people shouting at each other, but speaking different languages and things are getting lost in translation.
The argument goes something like this:
Them: It's wrong. Can't you see that. Look at this...
Me: It's not wrong. It's right, can't you feel this...
Two different languages and no resolution. No amount of "look at this" would get me to leave the things I feel spiritually.
It makes me cry because it's such a weighty and important matter and it feels impossible to push against the "see this" crowd because you can't make them "feel this."
Heavy Heart.
I know it. I've seen it and I have felt it and I can't deny it.

The Stakes are High

I had to just Google what that meant exactly. :)
It's like a bet, and you stand to lose a lot when the stakes are high.

I want so badly to make this a post of Facebook, but that wouldn't be a good idea. At least not right now.
But still I need to purge my thoughts here. Let's hope I can make this sound nice and intelligible.

I know not everyone shares the same purpose of life thought, but for a lot of people the purpose of this life is to find God.

John 17:3
And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.

 This isn't something I take lightly. I've been told several times in my life by dear friends of other faiths that I am a good person, but I will go to Hell. Which is a scarey concept. They never seemed to tell me that to elicit fear. It was just more of a statement of fact. But in reality, the thought is really terrifying to me.
I'm not just living my faith because I like the standards it offers and it gives me a good life. It's not exactly hard to live, but it does take some discipline and saying no.
The point is I live my faith because I believe that this is God's true gospel and that his son, Jesus Christ, has established this church in the latter-days so that we can get back to them.
However, if I'm wrong, as pointed out by many evangelical friends, I will suffer mightily. The stakes are high.
I better know if I've got it right, because the stakes are high.

And with that I'll say, I think I've got it right. I've thought about it time and time again, and I'm always left with the same conclusion.

I am a Christian.

I try my very best to not get unsettled by the things people say about my faith and my character. TRY is the key word there. I fail at it a lot. Especially when the church is under a lot of pressure or attention from the media. I tend to snap and have an outburst that I regret.
Recently I had one of those, that I don't entirely regret, but had some fallout that was a tad bit surprising.
I'm trying to figure out how to not be super vague, and yet be vague because the details aren't what really matter. Anyway, I suppose the easiest way to put it is that there was an in direct response to this post that was received with tons of cheers of "Mormons are so awful," "Utah is terrible," "They don't act like Christians."
That's when I tend to have this fire burning inside of me as this group of people rallies together to hate on me and my people.
But, it sparked this fabulous thought that I wanted to make sure that I post. I got thinking about that thought of how people say we aren't Christian and we don't act like Christians. This assumption that we are supposed to be perfect and act perfectly. I'll be the first to admit that I struggle to be kind ALL the time. To say what Christ would say, and to do what Christ would do. Does that make me unChristian? Are we expected to act and be perfect from the moment that we are baptized and given the gift of the Holy Ghost? I really hope not because I fail at that. Everybody fails at that.
Being Christian doesn't me being perfect. We sing the song, "I'm trying to be like Jesus," not "I'm perfect like Jesus."
Random lame thought, but seriously just tired of this expectation from people outside to be perfect, when I am trying, but failing, but trying again.

Alma 24

I'm scared a little, but determined! I really want to finish the Book of Mormon before the end of the year. And then I want to start the lofty goal of finishing all of the standard works in a year. I've seen it done before, but I am not a reader and easily distracted by modern day technology, so it could be tricky.
Anyway, back to the point of this post.
I am not very good at memorizing scriptures, but if I was this would be a good chapter to memorize some key verses from. (Elder Matthew Kealamakia pointed out to me that this new idea of ponderizing is less about memorizing and more about pondering. And I am all over that!)
Anyway, a few key verses from this chapter.
Actually, I want to start with a phrase. I think the phrases "thank my God" and "thank my great God" stuck out to me so much because it is the week of Thanksgiving. The author of this chapter really conveys how grateful these people were to have found the Gospel and to be forgiven. I want to feel that same way and express my gratitude to him for the Gospel in my life and for forgiveness.
In verse 10, he talks about forgiveness, but what stuck out even more to me was having the guilt taken away from our hearts. In one of my major moments of sin, I went through the full on repentance stage where I need priesthood authority involved and was put on probation for a few months. It's been many years, and I was assured when the time was over that I had been forgiven and that I should remember my sins no more. But in all these years, I've still felt a sense of guilt that I can't get over. This verse gave me hope that if I dig deeper and strive to draw closer to my Savior that I could let those feelings of guilt go 100%.
There is kind of a controversial phrase from the Book of Mormon that bothers the non-LDS Christian community. And it is the phrase, "All we can do" found in 2 Nephi 25:23. That we are saved by grace after all we can do. And I love how here in Alma 24:11 this author is telling us, all we can do is repent. We can't get rid of these terrible things. But repentance changed them to the point where you can see that their actions, the things the "do" from that point out our mighty.
Verse 13 We cannot commit this sin again. But in verse 14, He told us before we repented that we couldn't be forgiven again if we committed murder again. And he did this because he loves us. He loves our souls, and "our children."
Verse 15: Let us hide our weapons as a testimony to our God. What can we "do" to show him we are changed. Heavenly Father didn't say now what are you going to do to show me you have changed your way. He just said don't do it again, that will "show" me you have repented. But they took it a step further and buried their weapons and their defense system as a testimony to him that they would never do it again. It's a whole step further.
Verse 19, and thus we see, that when these Lamanites were brought to believe and to know the truth, they were FIRM.
Ahh! It's getting late, and I must go to bed, but the chapter isn't over. We know that the wicked Lamanites came and attacked the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's and that they refused to defend themselves and break their covenants, so 1,005 were killed (vs 22). Reading this, I thought for a second, how foolish. You didn't have to die. Heavenly Father wouldn't have been made if you defended yourselves. But then I saw that they didn't die in vain. The Lamanites weren't entirely heartless. They noticed that they were killing people who wouldn't fight back and they threw down their weapons too. And in verse 26, the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's were joined by more than the # of people who were slain. It wasn't in vain. And in verse 29, we see that the people who joined the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's we descendants straight from Laman and Lemuel.
And verse 30 is the kicker and so important for me to remember in this day and age. The people that had done the most killing that day and who hadn't changed were Amalekites and Amulonites, people who were once Nephites. People who leave the church fight the hardest against it.
I'd like to note that not all of them fight against. Some walk away peaceably and don't come back and try to "kill" all of us.